Diary :>

have been oscillating wildly between feeling ok and like i got hit by a truck. it will be worth it eventually though lol. today i have to switch out my gauze, which i really don't want to do but will anyways. rn i am soaking parts of it in aquaphor so it comes off my skin easily. also: got my period and it has been making me so dizzy lol. at least i think that's the culprit, it's not my meds. i did get the ok from a nurse to start taking my birth control again though so that's good. blood will be staying INSIDE my body as much as possible thanks. today will be the first time i take the surgical bra off (to switch it + my dressings out) and i am also nervous about that lol. i've heard it can make your blood pressure drop and i would rather NOT faint. also: afraid of seeing myself with stitches in. i am a very medically boring person and the last time i got stitches iirc was as a toddler (fell out a window. was mostly fine). i will probably just give myself a blind sponge bath. feeling really happy about how i LOOK at least though!!! i am so small!!! my surgeon didn't promise a cup size (smart) but i asked for "medium small" and gave him reference pics of c-d cups so i think that's where i'll be. he said i probably won't even need to wear a bra once i'm healed up which is one of the most relieving things i have ever heard.

waaaugh... surgery tomorrow morning. 10 hours til i'll be at the surgery center... i'm feeling really scared but also excited lol. and honestly... a little sad! i feel like i'm making the right decision, but i also don't hate my body as it is now. it feels a little sad to be losing parts of my body that've been with me for so long, even if they have caused me some awful chronic pain... i almost wish i DID hate how i look like how some reduction patients do pre-surgery, i think my feelings would be much less complex lol. i just have to keep reminding myself that it's still my body, it'll just be different.

also, i did a silly thing i saw some other reduction patients doing online, which is outline how my boobs currently look on a t-shirt so i have a reference post-surgery. to be honest, it is the most stark visual representation of exactly how messed up my proportions are that i've ever seen lol. like. it's scary. it was a nice sort of final sendoff + commemoration lol. my best friend said i should wear it as a regular t shirt after surgery which is a very funny idea. the only other thing i can think of that i might regret not doing is taking photos in my favorite clothes for comparisons, but to be honest, i hate taking photos of myself, so i doubt i'll care that much. i'm excited. i want to be able to fully breathe in without having to physically lift my boobs away from the rest of my body and not have them take up a solid half of my torso at BEST. i think i want to try running once i'm feeling well enough to. i haven't been able to run well since i was about uh. 7?? 8???? a LONG time.

i'm also still figuring out what i want to do with my current bras. they're really nice, and in pretty solid condition. they're about as comfortable as a 34N can be (not much.). my issue is that i really don't think most people realize how hard it is to find decent bras at that size, so i worry about just donating them to a charity shop like i do with most old clothing... i'll have to look into charities and maybe have my mother ask around in community facebook groups or something?? i am honestly at a rare size even for ppl who have to wear specialty sizes so it's a hard task... i just really want them to go to use. i don't have any interest in making money off them or anything, the idea of them just getting thrown out at a secondhand store or something just makes me sad... and makes my wallet hurt a bit.

waa... ok i think that's all i have to say for now. i might write something else tiny in the morning before surgery if i feel like it, but if not... the next time u will all hear from me will be POST DEBOOBENING... regardless, i will be seeing y'all on the other side...! (`･ω･´)ゞ

i keep getting the urge to write blog posts about some topics that my brain always ends up classifying as "too dark" or "too personal" at the last minute lol... i worry about writing something i wouldn't be ok with someone else reading in the future, even if i can technically just delete things (i internalized some childhood lessons about internet safety to a potentially detrimental extent...). maybe this means i should just pick journaling back up again ':]. but alas, the siren song of peer approval calls to me as well...

i'm going to cut my hair this evening. it's getting TOO LONG, and if i don't do it now it'll just drive me crazy until i can raise my arms again post-surgery. my hair and nails grow really quickly, which at the end of the day is probably good, but is also very annoying. i cut my hair just a few weeks ago and it's already back over my eyes. blehh.

had a weird dream last night... it felt like it SHOULD be stressful or scary, but it wasn't. the dream was about an escaped pet chimp showing up on some college campus i was at, and i ended up having to take it back home. luckily there was no mauling involved lol... i am a little afraid of chimps. my dream self WAS worried about that the whole time, but it didn't translate to any "real" emotions if that makes any sense... i think i did end up getting the chimp back to its owner, which is fun because my task-oriented dreams rarely have a real conclusion. i think i scolded the owner for a) having an unethical exotic pet and b) being irresponsible with it lol. weird!!

it's fun that i have dreams so often now... when i was younger i hardly had any. i think it's mostly because i take melatonin supplements to sleep, but i'm off of them for the week (surgery stuff...), and i'm still having them. most of mine are fun, so i don't mind.

back during my presurgery consult, my surgeon and i talked about getting me some anxiety medication to use in the days before my operation, just to soothe my nerves. he said he'd probably only give me enough for the day before, but it turns out my prescription is enough for 3 doses :'3. hooray for me!!! i already know i'm going to be sort of a wreck this week lol... just this morning i was freaking out over my blood results, which had two ultimately minor abnormalities. i am in a state where the idea of getting surgery is terrifying, but the idea of NOT getting surgery is much worse. so hooray for valium lol...

this will also be my first time trying anxiety medication. i fear a mere taste of the anti-anxiety fruit may not be enough to sate me... so if it works well i'll probably bring up getting a full prescription with my GP. i've felt like i could really use anxiety medication for a while, but i hate the process of actually finding working medication/dosages so much that i've never bothered trying to get on some ':].

in preparation for surgery (less than a week away...) i bought a nice u shaped pillow, because otherwise i really don't think i'd be able to sleep on my back. at least not well lol. initially my plan was to use it during recovery and then donate it, because these are also pretty commonly used to aid sleep during pregnancy. unfortunately for that plan the pillow is really comfortable. it's like having an armchair in my bed. i love it. i am keeping it forever. i want to be buried with it one day.

today i started learning about flexbox! and by that i mean i opened up some tutorials and then felt my brain turn to pudding for a bit while i just stared blankly at my screen. in my defense, i got blood drawn today... the amount of blood i may or may not have is a minor setback, though. i'd like to be able to make things more compatible with mobile devices, as well as hopefully just easier/more intuitive to code for me. now that i have the metaphorical frankenstein's monster of a new homepage coded and lying on my equally metaphorical lab table, it's time to go in and fix things up! exciting!!!

sketched up an idea for a new site layout today! i really like it :-). i think i want to keep workshopping it for a little bit, because i AM sort of nervous about it looking like i'm copying others, but i think that's just my anxiety talking lol. regardless, no harm in trying to develop ideas further or making sure what i want to do is really a reflection of ME. i want to draw most of the graphics myself, but i'm also thinking of editing a stock photo for the main background, just because i'm not too fond of drawing landscapes ':]. relatedly, i'm not really sure what the etiquette is for using other peoples' photographs as part of your website... i'll have to check what other people do. i've been thinking of putting together a little resources/credit page anyways, so i'll probably link to whatever i end up using there, anyways. i'll probably start work on it soon, but between surgery and me starting to shift into artfight mode, it might not be done for a bit.

it's finally happened... i'm dissatisfied with my site layout! i think that SOUNDS bad, but to be honest, i think it's ultimately a good thing. it's like when an artist starts thinking their work looks off... it means they're on the road to improving! :-]. i think i'm in the same situation, where i'm feeling like my own eye + skillset is maturing past what i've made here. makes since, since the current layout was also my very first! i'm proud of my past self for making it, but i want to make something new... i dunno when i'll find the time + motivation to do that, but in the meantime i'll be thinking of new layouts. exciting!!!

i'm writing this while getting ready to go shop for a few things i'll need for surgery! mostly clothing. i need some new button up shirts and pajama tops, since i don't really own any. right now, most button up things fit on me strangely/uncomfortably, or not at all, but after surgery, it'll be hard for me to raise my arms for a bit. it's exciting to really concretely feel like i'm getting access even to really little parts of the world that have been closed off to me for so long. i had my final consultation with my surgeon on thursday, so now i feel really locked in... i'm going to do this. there have been a few points where i got scared and wanted to back out, but i'm not going to, now. two weeks from today, i'll have been out of surgery for over 24 hours. the big thing we spoke about at the consultation was surgery methods- right now, he has me down for the pedicle method, but the consent forms i signed also allow me to switch to the FNG (free nipple graft) method, which i'm going to do. he's just a bit worried about completely removing nipple function for someone who hasn't had children- hence defaulting to the pedicle method- but to be honest, having the ability to breastfeed isn't anywhere on my list of priorities. regardless, i see it as a worthy sacrifice for the ability to like. be upright for long periods without muscle spasms lol. i feel like i'd make the same decision even if nipple function DID matter to me. so, we discussed different methods, and he told me i didn't have to make my mind up until the morning of surgery, when we'll discuss this again. i'll keep doing some research, but there is honestly a 0% chance of me changing my mind here lol. if i get the surgery done via FNG, he thinks my (already low) risks of complications will lower, at least with regards to ideas i find really scary (like necrosis...) and i'll DEFINITELY be able to get down to the size i want, which is honestly the most important thing for me. he even said that i'm well over the threshold where he'd typically recommend FNG surgery, and that while my reduction won't be the most extreme he's performed (just in terms of sheer mass lol...) it's up there. i'm confident he'll listen, and while his concerns are ones i'd usually be pretty annoyed by, i do get it... he just really does not want to be sued. a pretty understandable desire! he also automatically doesn't prescribe opioids for pain relief (at least not at first), which is good for me because i have a bit of an irrational fear of them lol... no bad side effects for me, please!! PLUS i get zofran without even having to ask, which is lucky. i have a fairly strong stomach, but also have some emetophobia, so i think i'd be pretty anxious without nausea medication available just in case ':]. i also did a little skin test for the tape they use, since i have an allergy to some adhesives. i think i had a slight reaction, but nothing bad, and definitely not to the degree i usually get. i'll be calling the office with the results on monday. the last significant bit of prep i have to do is get a blood test done, but that's easy. it's even a non-fasting one!

also... happy pride!! i think i'm going to write a seperate blog post about this topic today or tomorrow, but i wanted to say it here, too :-). i hope we're all able to have a meaningful and joyful time!

another REALLY bad storm this morning. i got woken up around 5:30 because of the sirens... i kept trying to go back to sleep, but it felt like every time i tried the storm got worse lol... i ended up being able to get back to sleep around 8 at least, and nobody i know was hurt, so it's all fine. the power was out for about an hour, but even that's fine now! i feel really lucky. i recently watched a fun youtube video about the Siren games, and i'm also really glad i didn't make that mental connection until afterwards bc it totally would have freaked me out LOL... more than i already was!

i also had a really nice time this last weekened... i didn't do much here because i was mostly just spending time with my family. i had brunch with my mother on sunday, and visited a museum... we wanted to see a special exhibit of medieval art, but it turns out it won't be open until mid june, so i guess we'll just have to go back in a month or two. the record store sale was also really fun! i ended up getting some DVDs along with my usual CDs. i don't have a very large collection of DVDs, but i feel like i should probably keep a keener eye out for them... i like owning physical copies of art i like.

my grandmother came to visit today! i won't lie, at first, i wasn't really feeling the idea of having to socialize, but i ended up loving getting to see her. we chatted a lot about my upcoming surgery (she is very excited for me + has had a good few surgeries herself, so she's taken it upon herself to basically set me a recovery schedule LOL), and just about the news. apparently she knows of kabosu (the shiba inu... RIP), but i'm not sure if she was aware of doge before the news of her passing, or if that's just how she found out... we also discussed. uh. the nature of evil. light conversation! it's very funny how many of our conversations turn philosophical. i think part of it is just her personality, but she's also in her 80s, so i wonder if these ideas are just on her mind more often? either way, it's interesting to get insight into how my loved ones tick.

i also got to swim a little! not as long as i'd like, but i still got 40 laps in. i want to try and swim again tomorrow, but my favorite record store has a memorial weekend sale starting in the morning, so i guess i'll have to see... unsure of if the sale includes 25 cent CDs, but i'm crossing my fingers!! those are the BEST sales.

sort of combining the topics of swimming and CD shopping, i got some new sunscreen this week, and one i'm trying out is a nice korean skincare type meant for everyday use. i'm crazy pale, so wearing sunscreen most of the time during the summer is smart, but i hate having to smell like chemicals or getting that greasy look to my skin. this stuff is SUPPOSED to avoid those, so hopefully it lives up to the hype. if not, i think UV damage is worse than anything regular sunscreen can do to me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

just had the worst allergy attack i've experienced in about a year! yippee!!! the scary part is that it was ON my medication... off it probably would have lasted multiple times as long ':]. my eyes are still pretty watery and my ears and nose itch, but at least i can breathe a little more. what's especially annoying is that i was about to have lunch, and now i have no appetite :(. maybe i'll just have a piece of toast or something... and maybe take a nap... ugh. a plague on the house of whoever decided to do yardwork this morning on what i can only imagine is the world's most allergen-dense grass.

recently, i decided to give up alcohol, at least for the forseeable future. i could tell it was interacting really strangely with some medication i'm on (my guess is my allergy medication...), since even a half glass of wine would make me feel suuuuper woozy... way past what i could consider "normal". not good!! it wasn't a hard decision, since i already hardly ever drink (i'm a "glass of wine on special occasions" type) , but recently, i've really been craving a glass of white wine... annoying!! especially because i've never really craved alcohol before. maybe i'll buy myself some grape juice and just pretend lol...

bleh... it ended up raining yesterday, and it's all gloomy today, too! no swimming for mads :(. especially unfortunate because i think it'd help to work out some anxiety... my pre-surgery consultation is a week from tomorrow, and then it's just 15 days until my actual surgery... scary!!! i'm still confident in my choice, but the self-preservation part of my brain is freaking out at the idea that i'm going to intentionally get myself that badly hurt lol.

my gerd flareup is also still annoying me, but i'm having more good days than bad, now! i'm sure being stressed over surgery isn't helping out, either ':]. last time i had a bad flareup, it took maybe 5-6 weeks to get everything back in order, so i'm already doing better this time around. i'll probably just pick up a different kind of PPI later this week and then finish off one more bottle. i'm still eating fine, which i think is the most important thing, so i'm not super worried.

thinking of going swimming again today, but it's pretty overcast... i don't think it's going to rain, but i'll have to keep an eye on things. in the meantime, i'm debating between going easy on myself next swim or upping my goal to 70... especially because my arms felt like HOT GARBAGE last night.

just got back from swimming! this was my first time in a pool since last summer, so i'm sort of rusty. i did 50 laps today, and i'm hoping to work my way back up 1o 100 (my usual daily goal) over the next couple days/week ish. i forgot how good it feels!!! and i can tell my body totally needed the vitamin d and fresh air lol... i've been spending wayyy too much time indoors recently ':3.

i started a new piece of art the other day that i'm really liking the look of... but unfortunately (for my hand...) that look is achieved entirely through stippling lol. it has been 2+ days of work and it is not even halfway done i wouldn't say. for reference i usually finish even big pieces within 5-6 hours. it will be worth it though... hopefully ':]

back from the dentist! did not go as badly as i feared it would lol. my only issue is that i have a few seals that need to be touched up, but i unfortunately couldn't keep the gauze in my mouth long enough for that to happen today :-(. they DID let me use the panoramic machine for x rays, though, which was fantastic. i came home feeling pretty gross, but that's typical for the dentist in my experience... i had a tortilla a little while ago to test my stomach and i still feel alright, so i'm going to have some rice and roasted vegetables for dinner in a bit. i think some of the residual gross stomach feelings are probably hunger, by now...

another super rainy day today! luckily, no power outages, though (knock on wood for me lol). it's made for a nice, peaceful day so far! unfortunately it also really makes me want to stay inside all day, which isn't an option on account of the... dentist... *lightning flash*. i'm lucky in the sense that i don't have an outright fear of the dentist, i just do not like being there lol. i especially hate... the x rays... *second lighning flash*. at least my stomach is feeling a little better today, so that's one thing i don't have to be as worried about. bleh.

blehhh. my stomach's been off all day yesterday and today... i think it's just a bad GERD flareup (or, i hope so lol), so i'm just trying to keep eating decently and taking PPIs. what's especially annoying about this is that i have a dentist's appointment tomorrow... i would really rather NOT have people poke around in my mouth for a while when i'm already not feeling great, but it'll be fine. i have some zofran left over from this last december/january, so i'll probably take one before the appointment. if nothing else, it'll calm my nerves some...

on a better note, i'm still making good progress with my wardrobe cleanout! i took a break yesterday, since i wasn't feeling well, but got some more done today. i might write about it later this evening.

phew. ok just got done with day 1 of going through my clothes. i'm focusing on pacing myself, because while i definitely could do all of this in a day, i think my decision making would get pretty shoddy after a certain point (speaking from experience lol). the bags i'm using are about 1/3-1/2 the size of the average garbage bag, but i still already have 5. geez. it makes me very glad i'm doing this... that's 5 bags of clothes other people will hopefully actually wear. i've had a bad habit for a really long time of hanging on to clothes i either like the look of (but don't really want to wear...) or stuff i think i MIGHT like the look of someday. i think i've been doing a really good job so far of not overthinking my choices to the extent that i just manage to justify keeping stuff i really shouldn't. there's been a few things i was sad to get rid of, but i think it was because i liked the IDEA or LOOK of them a lot, while not actually enjoying wearing them, which is the important part. i'm going to finish up my closet tomorrow, then go through my t-shirts and whatnot, which should be pretty easy. there's only so many white t-shirts someone who doesn't really wear blank t-shirts should own...

recently, i've seen a couple of young people (like. teenagers. typically high school age or younger) on here who seem really concerned with follower count/numbers, and it's been making me think a lot about how neocities has helped me alter my view of these concepts. i don't want this to come off as merely a "kids bad" sort of thing, so i do want to say that the aforementioned mindsets make a lot of sense- i think these people are just responding to what other platforms have taught them to see as important. however, i don't really feel like that's the best way to envision followers/viewers/etc, at least not on here or similar small platforms. i think on larger sites, sometimes it does make sense to reduce huge volumes of followers to numbers (though i definitely don't think it's great...), but here, i really do try to keep the personhood of users who interact with the things i make here at the front of my mind. when three people like something i post, that's not "just" three "likes", it's three people who enjoyed seeing what i did! sometimes i imagine being in a room with however many people are relevant, too- it helps me avoid falling into these traps. i also think it's made me more mindful of the way i approach other platforms, too. i don't really use social media save for here and tumblr, but i do think it's important to remember that behind every (non bot ':]) account is another person. the anonymity the internet can provide is great in some ways, but can encourage some less than savory mindsets and behaviors, too, i think... and that certainly isn't limited to the modern state of the internet either, lol. idk! i just think it's good to deconstruct these (for lack of a better term) influencer-esque mindsets.

no rain today! it is still cool outside though (about 75 degrees F right now!), which is nice. i might take a walk later or something...

in a bit, i'm also going to start my big project for this week, which is going through all my clothes to find things to donate. i've had a bad habit for a long time of hanging on to things i'll never wear on the off chance i'll eventually change my mind, which just becomes less and less likely as more time passes. i have a bunch of stuff from high school i'm not ever touching again... man, i even have stuff from MIDDLE SCHOOL. most times i've tried to purge my closet before, it's ended in me still having a bunch of stuff i don't really want, so this time, i REALLY want to do things right. i'm gonna marie kondo the hell out of this place. i also might do a day by day log of progress here- i feel like a tiny bit of social pressure like that could encourage me to really get things done.

right now, there's a big storm going on outside, which i'd usually be all for if it didn't also cause a big power outage lol. i think power's expected to be restored within the next hour or so, which is good news, at least. after writing this, i'll probably break out my watercolors or read something... my relationship with technology/the internet is one i'd regard as pretty healthy, but it can still be nice to take a break!

also, i hope anyone celebrating mother's day today has a nice time! i'm going to be cooking for my mother later. she requested this amazing vegan green curry pesto pasta we have a recipe for (altered from a cookbook... i'll probably post the recipe on my site sometime, so i'll make sure to credit the original :-]), and honestly i'm pretty excited. it's always a great meal!!

EDIT: dinner was delicious!

there's a GIANT crow living in the tree next to my home. one of the biggest birds i've seen in a long time, at least in a residential area!!!! i assume it's a male crow just due to size and some behaviors, but i could be wrong... a part of me almost feels like he could be a raven, because like i said, he's GIANT, but i've never seen one around here. i'll have to keep an eye out to see if i can get a closer look, though... if get a look at the neck and beak, i'll definitely be able to tell. (so far, i've mostly just seen his wingspan.) i think there's probably more of a chance that he's just a really big guy. he also loves "singing", which is sort of him just making these loud "GWAH" noises repeatedly. i think it's really cute! i love crows, and i hope this one sticks around for a while :-).

hmm. just got done reading asobi asobase all the way through for the first time. i had some fun with the manga and anime back in 2018 (save for the transphobic elements of the plot regarding aozora's character. did not like those), but fell off reading the manga at some point. i'm not even sure if i finished all of what was available in 2018 lol. regardless, i have now read it all + skimmed the 5 chapters of the sequel manga i found translated (might be all that exists, but all ik is that it's what the site i was reading on had) and can confidently say that it......................... was weird and kind of... bad? i'm not usually the type to be fazed by "weirdness" or plots developing in ways that take them far away from the initial premise, but i ended up feeling pretty baffled at where the manga went, and ultimately really dissatisfied i think. my full thoughts still need to simmer in my Brain Soup, but i don't think i like the work as a whole, unfortunately. after about the halfway-2/3 point, the gags (and gag-related side characters...) start disappearing, which is super unfortunate because i think that despite its flaws, at its best, asobi asobase made for a pretty decent comedy series! it definitely has some bits that still made me laugh! i was also pretty saddened at how much the narrative ended up deemphasizing the pasclub in favor of the art club, whose members i just... really did not resonate with when they were placed in such central roles. i found the characters fun, but only really in reference to their interactions with the protagonists (former protagonists...?) and in small doses. i just did not find them fun :(. i wanted to enjoy the club president's weird messed up yuri shenanigans, uncomfortable as they could be, but simply could not bring myself to, between the drastic tone shift, lack of connection to the characters, and uh... ages of the characters lol. this was an issue i had with a lot of the series- i don't want to see high school aged characters placed in weird sexual situations, much less MIDDLE SCHOOLERS... eughh

idk! i really get the sense that the creator somehow outgrew or otherwise lost interest in the initial premise of the series (the sequel manga is about the art club + the other upperclassmen in high school, which really cements this in my mind. it also features what i saw as some pretty extreme, obvious, + sort of jarring reference from 3D models, which isn't inherently bad, but did feel uncanny and took the art style so far away from the elements of it i enjoyed that it just didn't click with me.) idk, i almost wish the original series had been ended sooner, assuming that's actually the case- i'd rather have a much shorter and coherent story than what i actually read.

i guess to end on a positive, the penultimate chapter WAS one i found funny. in it, kasumi's older sister tells a story about accidentally dooming kasumi's soul in all universes except the one the story follows due to her own selfishness and a mishap with an egyptian god. i loved the casual surrealism of the situation, and i felt like the comedic beats were super on point! it was sort of bittersweet considering. everything else. but it was funny!! thank god!!! by that point re:comedy i was like a dying man in the desert, and kasumi's terrible older sister was a beautiful oasis. outside of that, i wasn't a big fan of the rest of the chapter, though :(. overall: sad! my big hopes were for the series to stay funny and be less transphobic, and i guess the latter... sort of happened? arguably??? not really but kinda??? i guess? i suppose? one could reasonably come to that conclusion? maybe? i was fully bracing myself for the transphobia to remain as a running gag, but it sort of just disappeared, though i don't know if this is a result of the creator reevaluating that plot element or the series just becoming less of a comedy. on the other hand, the former felt like a simple ask and yet i was still let down. maybe i'll write a longer review of the series sometime soon? i do have a lot of thoughts on account of reading 132 entire chapters of this story + sort of reading 5 sequel chapters. some parts of the story are very fun, some are... really not, but all for different reasons lol. it's a weird story. i feel like if you want to experience it in its best form, watch the anime and/or read up to where the anime ends. i think the anime's more compact narrative is ultimately more coherent and enjoyable than the source material

got my surgery date scheduled!!! it's going to be on june 14th (happy pride month to meee lol). i keep oscillating between feeling so so happy that everything has been going so well so far, and fear that since there's a real actual date now, it's actually going to happen. before that, i have a consult with another surgeon later this month (for the sake of a second opinion), and then my pre-surgery consult on the 30th of this month. i need to write down a list of questions for him before then, and print some photos out. it took me forever to find a good depiction of what i'd like my results to be, but a friend sent me the site of a surgeon she'd used for a different procedure, and he had AMAZING photos. lucky me! i'm very excited... i also hope nobody here is getting tired of me talking about getting a breast reduction, because i'm going to be talking about it a LOT more lol. if you are tired of it... too bad i guess ':]. i won't stop >:). also, i got some clarification from insurance: it really is FULLY covered!!! none of that tricky "we'll cover the surgery but not the anesthesia" stuff... so i've been feeling super super grateful for that, too. overall: feeling good!!! i've been doing a good job of focusing on the good feelings instead of my anxiety, so far :-).

last exam tomorrow morning... thank GOD!!! it's early (at 8:30 am), but honestly, it'll probably be nice to get it over with so soon. my only issue is that i'm having trouble finishing studying... my flashcards aren't even half done :(. it'll only take me an hour or two to memorize what i need to once they're done... but for that i have to finish them lol. i am officially running on fumes. very few fumes. i am so ready to just be done!!! mads is tired...z!!!!!

i've been trying to make an effort to reach out/just generally interact more with people online... i've spent a whole lot of my time online, but for most of it, i've honestly been pretty reclusive. i don't even know why! maybe i was afraid people wouldn't like me...? i feel like that's part of it, but not everything. i dunno! something to think about, i guess. anyways, it feels good to be forging stronger connections with other people :-)

3/4 finals done!!! i get a little break from now until saturday, which is great. there's a lot of stuff i COULD get done, but... i will probably just be lazy lol. i'm tired!!!

on a different note, i've been watching are you afraid of the dark episodes between studying, since the series is free on youtube :). it was one of my favorite shows when i was little, and it's still super fun. i've been writing little notes on the episodes i might do something with here. it's fun seeing what i do and don't remember... pretty sure i watched most of the series (at least the original run) as a kid, but i haven't even finished season 1 and there's already a lot of stuff that i just don't remember anymore. makes for a very fun viewing experience!

short blog post today because i need to get back to studying. but i got approved by insurance for a breast reduction!!!!!!!!! i'm really really happy about it. a little scared, too, since i've actually never had surgery before... or been anesthetized... or even had an IV put in... but i think it'll be so worth it to be brave. i'm going to officially schedule my surgery date around a week from now, so i don't have to stress over it at the same time as finals, but it'll probably be happening around june 7, so super soon!! even though i'm sort of scared i'm also really excited. i'm sick of having a body that hurts so much to just exist in. i want to be able to stand and sit up for large parts of my day without getting muscle spasms, and be able to comfortably lie on my back, and be able to exercise regularly and OWN ATHLETIC WEAR THAT FITS AND WORKS, because fun fact: sports bras straight up do not exist in my size. they do in the sense that there are bras sold as "sports bras" but there is zero compression going on there, so they are mostly useless for athletics. the last time i could comfortably run for more than a few seconds was when my age was in the single digits. and oh my GOD, i'm so excited to never wear an underwire swimsuit (a 2 word horror story...) EVER again. and i'll never even have to think about buying a terrible $80 bra with straps that are a full inch wide... what a beautiful world. i just have to keep reminding myself of these things instead of the scary parts of surgery i think.

well. update on the insurance situation: THEY LOST MY INFORMATION!!! so the surgeon's office had to send it off again today lol. a part of me feels like i should be upset, but honestly it's just sort of funny to me. like, of course. of course. i love it here. luckily i also got some good news today, or else that might have actually upset me- i ended up getting a perfect grade on a paper i was a little worried about! apparently my standards were pretty tough. i think i woulda given myself a B... ':3. glad i wasn't the one grading, i guess.

hello, again!! my life continues to mostly be Busy above all else lol. but some exciting news: sometime between 24 hours to one week from today, i'll know what insurance has decided re: covering a breast reduction. half of me is expecting to be rejected, but the other half knows my case is honestly pretty airtight as far as medical justifications go... US health insurance is always "fun" to deal with ':]. the surgeon i'm probably going to go with has said that insurance is getting more open to these cases, though, so hopefully i don't have to deal with rejection lol. i'm still hoping to be able to get surgery this june!!!

in some other news, i am swearing to myself that i'm GONNA get that recipe page up by the end of may. i want to start out with some kind of easy dessert, but after that i have a ton of choices. part of what i wanna do is link back to other peoples' recipes that i like, which will be the hardest part to figure out a format for... there's just so many ways i could do it lol. but aside from that, i have a bunch of family recipes i'd love to share (+ a few of my own invention >:}). one i've thought of but honestly don't know if there's any interest in is my great-grandmother's gefilte fish recipe. for anyone who doesn't know, gefilte fish is an ashkenazi jewish dish (and noted acquired taste...) consisting primarily of ground and poached fish. here is its wikipedia page, if you want to learn more. a lot of people just go for the jarred kind, but my grandmother, who can't stand that stuff, has spoken pretty fondly of her mother's homemade version. between the labor that goes into making it and the fact that hardly anyone in my family eats gefilte fish, the recipe quite literaly spends its days collecting dust. i think it might be nice to give it a second life if anyone feels like they'd enjoy it.

hey! before you read, this entry does contain some talk about unhealthy/restrictive eating patterns (unrelated to eating disorders) and some mention of surgery, though with little detail on either. just wanted to let y'all know in case either of those topics bother anyone.haiiiii everyone. it's been. a while. breaks into a cold sweat. i have been very busy and/or sick unfortunately :[. but i really want to start coding again bc i love it!!! i'm gonna try to start easing myself in again... starting with another blog entry! (forgive me if the way i end up writing things out comes off as clunky, i'm just kind of writing stream of conciousness style). not too much is going on with my right now aside from like... general business. i wanted to start updating this site again over the winter holidays, when i'd have some free time, but then i got REALLY sick. like, probably the sickest i have ever been in my life. i didn't really eat with much regularity for 3-4 weeks, because it would make me feel sick (and then the hunger would ALSO make me feel sick), and then spent another two ish weeks trying to get back to eating foods that weren't just easy to digest carbs. it was miserable!!!! there was also an ice storm that wrecked my pipes during that time, so i had to go stay in a hotel for a few days during this!! not fun!!!! i never got an official diagnosis but i'm fairly sure it was primarily gerd and maybe also the starts of an ulcer. both rly common in my family unfortunately. luckily ppis have kicked its ass so i get to eat like normal again and do things that aren't lie in bed and think about how awful i feel!!! i love you, modern medicine... i guess another upside is that all my bloodwork came back looking great, so i at least know i'm pretty healthy outside of whatever Hell Month was about. i get pretty anxious about my health, so it's nice to know what i'm currently doing is working well for me! it's also definitely given me a renewed passion for food lol. feeling sick was also my final push to start looking into a breast reduction, which is really exciting. it's something i've entertained for years, but only as a fantasy. feeling like garbage for so long really made me feel like taking more control of my body, though. i'm currently a 34n (US size), which on a physical level is absolutely miserable... i think i'd like to be a US d or c if it's possible to go that small. i yearn for the fabled Bra Off The Rack. or even just "bra that doesn't cost me a hundred bucks not counting shipping, because the only companies i can find that make things in my size are based in the UK". my first consultation is in a couple weeks, and i'm both excited and nervous... especially because i've never had any kind of surgery before. crossing my fingers that it goes well, and in the meantime i've been doing a lot of research and making sure to write down anything i want to ask about. in other, unrelated news, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow!!! i'm not going to be able to see her in person, which makes me sad, but my parents and i are going to video chat sometime saturday afternoon. i mailed a nice bath soak and some cookies with personalized birthday messages to her, which i hope she enjoys! she feels harder to shop for than my father, who's always happy with either fun socks or some silly gag gift. i'm lucky and have a pretty great relationship with my parents :-). i guess to close off i'll follow up on last entry's cliffhanger: the craft fair was super fun! i ended up buying a handmade mug and a very cute plush anteater. i tried to be strong and tell myself i didn't need more plushies, but i caved very quickly ':]. i think that's all i have to write for now... i'm going to do my best to make the next entry a lot sooner than five months in the future!!

hello everyone!! time for first blog entry FOR REALSIES this time!!!! i kept waiting around for something interesting enough to write about to happen... but unfortunately (fortunately...?) my life is not that exciting ':]. I do have one fun thing to write about though: tomorrow i'm going to a craft fair and lunch with a friend! i'm very excited!!!! i'll try and write about it tomorrow afternoon or evening :3. i also got to see some live music earlier today, which was super nice... the last real concert i went to was back in may, which feels longer ago than it actually is. in perhaps less exciting news, i've really been enjoying the new fionna and cake cartoon! i had high hopes for it, and actually rewatched most of adventure time proper in the weeks leading up to it (still such a good show!!!), so i'm glad it's lived up to my expectations so far. i'm excited to see how it wraps up this thursday! one of my good friends has been watching it too, so i've gotten to have a lot of fun discussions :). shortbox comics fair, another thing i'm very excited for (award winning segue lol...) is also almost here! october is my birthday month, so i get to justify splurging on the comics as a birthday treat, which rules. in other october comics news, the next love and rockets issue actually comes out ON my birthday, which is a coincidence that makes me very happy :-). this entry just kind of turned into a list of things i'm excited for, which doesn't bug me too much... i feel like there's a lot to be excited for! i think i'll leave off there for now... i'll do my best to write again soon!

hello!!! this is your webmads here :3. you're on my blog page!!! i'm still unsure of how private i'd like to be here... i guess i'll figure that out as i go! i think this page will generally be pretty lighthearted, but i'll try to write warnings at the start of entries if that changes. like the rest of my site, my goal here is just to have fun!!! expect lots of talk about comics and books i read! stay tuned for an actual first entry~!